The improvement collapsed today. All I want to do is lie down.

The psychologist I went to was a pretty impressive guy. He's got a big deal job in a large state university run healthcare system. I think he also teaches at the university. He sounds very well educated and very smart. I'm surprised someone of his stature is even available to see someone like me. In my experience, there can be wide variability in the competency of psychologists. IMO, higher education in America has been corrupted by money, in that degrees are more or less sold. But this guy was the real deal.

He started off by telling me that he would be seeing me on a short term basis. This sounded reasonable and appropriate. I was looking for some oversight in working a practical program to get into a more healthy daily routine and find ways to become involved with others in my community. I was not looking to explore my childhood. I am not a survivor of abuse. I don't have a history of horrible experiences that I need help "processing." I expected the counseling to be focused on the here-and-now in a very practical way.

That initial conversation was very encouraging. I felt like he really "got" my situation. I felt that I was no longer totally alone, dealing with my problem. My spirits improved greatly. We came up with a concrete plan.

Well, that was a few weeks ago. Yesterday my improved state of mind collapsed. I fear he's going to decide that I'm not trying hard enough. Then he's going to want to terminate seeing me as someone who is a waste of his time. My second appointment comes up this month. I already imagine that he's not going to have any patience with me making slow progress.

I also got referrals to two therapists, which the psychologist doesn't know about. I was seeing each of those counselors on a weekly basis. I figured I'ld go to both, until I could decide which one to stick with. They are two nice ladies, but seeing either of them doesn't seem helpful. They are clinical counselors with master's degrees. They seem to believe that their role is to offer me affirmations.

So these counselors basically just offer me pats on the head. They seem to want to agree with me on everything. When I admit that I'm not doing enough that I need to do, they just want to praise me for the slightest effort that I've made. I feel like they're half asleep during our sessions.

I guess there's a belief among therapists that clients need unconditional acceptance and kindness to counter-balance harsh treatment they may have received growing up or in their adult relationships. I totally believe in them offering unconditional acceptance. But I don't get anything out of them nodding sympathetically and showering me with kindliness and being relentlessly nice. Neither of them says much at all. They listen and nod. I keep talking because, when I stop, we just sit there staring at one another. I glance at my wrist watch to see how much time is left. I can't wait to get out of there. The last time I went to one of them, we wound up the session early, after I told the therapist that I had run out of stuff to say.

It was completely different with the psychologist. I've only had one meeting with him. Yet, he figured out a lot right away . . . more than I believe those counselors would figure out in six months. He's very nice, but I feel like he understands that I'm approaching life in a way that isn't working. So I don't need affirmations and praise. I have a lot of very bad habits. I need help believing that change is possible, and I need to work on strategies to accomplish change. That requires analysis, criticism of what's not working and planning to implement better behaviors. I've thought that I need someone to hold my "feet to the fire." The psychologist calls it "accountability." I think he nailed it. But I don't think a half dozen apointments will get me there. I'm starting to worry that he will not stick with me long enough. I need to know that someone is committed to going a certain distance with me . . . committed to helping me at least part way along this road, until a certain amount of change gets effectuated. I'm not sure he has that quantity of time to spare. So I'm back to feeling that I'm really all alone, or will be rather soon.

This post has gotten lengthier than I intended. It helped me a bit to write it. Today was all about me slipping backward. I had a weepy spell. I'm back depressed. Maybe I'm doomed. Maybe the encouragement I felt was just wishful thinking.

The psychologist said I could email him, if I was doing poorly with sticking to our plan. I'm afraid that would just make him sick of me sooner.