So on Monday my therapist terminated via email for the second time after two and a half years of twice weekly sessions. He terminated last year but then contacted me to say he believed he had made a mistake.
I tentatively went back as I am so deeply attached to him and we were able to get back on track and things seemed really positive.
But then we hit another rough patch, I fell back in to a repeated behaviour pattern of getting frustrated with him for not meeting my needs (blinded by paternal transference which I couldn’t see at the time). He encouraged me to express that anger towards him and I ended up sending him an email saying some not nice stuff because I wanting to try and hurt him.
He then responded and said that he felt the therapy was beginning to cause me harm and therefore it wasn’t right to continue. He offered a few closures sessions but I said I felt like all I would be doing was trying to beg him to change his mind.
I have major attachment and abandonment issues and this has totally devastated me, to the point where I don’t see how I’m ever going to move on.
He was the only meaningful relationship in my life and knew that doing this would destroy me.
In some ways I understand why, I kept repeating the same behaviours, blinded by paternal transference, and getting angry at him and lashing out because he wouldn’t fulfill all of my needs. I feel like the termination was a punishment for being angry, even though he told me it was ok to express my anger at him.
I’ve had all of these realisations since he ended things, that I know if I had realised before we wouldn’t be in this position. I’ve emailed him a couple of times to let him know I can totally see where I went wrong and how that prevented me from doing the proper work and how I believe we could have a totally different relationship now I have had these realisations, but he isn’t responding to my emails, I think he may have blocked my email address which is killing me.
I can’t move past the hope of him changing his mind. I don’t want to go to another therapist, I just want him. I am so deeply deeply attached, I can’t let go. There is no way I can trust someone new and I can’t go through my whole traumatic history all over again.
I can’t eat or sleep and have had to call in sick at work because I can’t think about anything but him. I can’t stop crying and I’m so angry at myself for messing things up yet again. I know we can do amazing work together, if he just gives me another chance but I don’t think he’s ever going to and I don’t see how I accept that.