I've about exhausted AI on mk-ultra and DID. Sometimes I think about going back to therapy but don't feel ready yet. Most people get a lot of help from therapy but I feel like some people like me have too much trauma for modern day therapy. It's crazy the wide spectrum of diagnoses I've had. DID diagnoses seems like the most accurate professional diagnoses I've had but that's probably the least studied and understood disorder. ChatGPT said it well, "The etiology of DID is still not fully understood, and it's a subject of ongoing research and debate within the mental health community."

I didn't like the things my psychologist who specializes in DID did to me. Forcing alters, or "parts" as he called them to front and take over the body gave me (me, as in the parts who host and live in the outer world) panic feelings. His goal was to integrate them. He backed off when I told him about my concerns. But then he started trying to force me to get an attorney (I think that's what he called them) to get SSDI (I think that's what it's called) but he said I have to pay the attorney and it usually takes a long time here in Cali. I just ended up leaving him. He wasn't my main T anyways. My 2nd T said she has no experience or training or knowledge about DID so she sent me to him, so I was seeing 2 psychologists at the same time. I've had 3 psychologists over several years. They were good, had a lot of passion for their job and up on the latest models, but they always required me to see a psychiatrists at the same time.

I went to psychiatrists as required by my Ts, and they always had me on prescription meds for depression and psychosis and probably other stuff. I think they helped with depression, but even that's questionable. They never took away the inner voices, or my suicidal ideation and planning. The meds did take away most of my emotions, but while drugged up on schizo and anti-depression meds I drove half way across California to go a redwood forest to die of starvation. One of the best things in my life is when I went off meds. It was like going from being 50 feet under dark water to a sunshiny day. It was like being able to breathe again.


If I could find a good psychologist who's accepting of DID and alters/parts and who won't require me to see a psychiatrist then I'd probably do it. I don't think that's possible. All good Ts seem to require me to see a psychiatrist. For now I have so many bad memories with therapists. Some that I/we the host have posted about in here years ago. I don't know why but two of my Ts did subtle seduction. The last one was more than subtle. I dug and dug trying to get chatGPT, Claude, Gemini, and Copilot to tell if there's anything in University textbooks about teaching psychology students to act/pretend about subtle sexual or even flirtation seduction, but they were extremely clear that such teachings are not and would never be part of any University. I even asked if it could be taught but not included in text books and they all said there's no chance of that and listed lot of psychology teaching that goes completely against such acting. The only thing they said is something like 1% of psychologists were punished or whatever for sexual seduction. So I guess I just had bad luck, 2 out of 3 did it.


Also I have say that my first T put me in a psych ward two times. The second time she called me on the phone while in the psych ward to tell me how sorry she is to say that I can never contact her ever again. Yes I was out of this world dependent upon my first T and it traumatized me because for like 1/2 year I'd send her emails begging her just to talk to me for one minute so I can have closure! I sent her emails from different accounts in case she just had me blocked. Nothing! My 2nd T thought it was cruel and unprofessional of her to not give me proper closure. After getting out I finally found another T, a really good one. After telling her every detail about my first T she contacted my first T and ended up questioning some things my first T did to me. A lot of the Ts at the psych ward said my T probably dumped me due to insurance reasons, being afraid I'd sue her.


Anyway, I really think if a person has too much trauma that it's just goes beyond the standard models of psychology. People like me are so uncommon that it's probably not practical for psychology to spend much time researching DID, especially people who were tortured as an infant to such a degree that my first two infancy flashbacks I had gave me what my psychiatrist said was a non-epileptic seizure. And the tons of evidence such as my dad and older brother said that my dad used to put caution tape all around my baby crib in so desperate attempt to keep my older brother away from me. Also I look like a traumatized disaster in my early childhood photos. Childhood trauma was so bad that even in my early 20s I was terrified of red lights while driving for fear of someone pulling up next to me in their car and looking at me.


Sorry to babble so much. Maybe this deserted part of the forum is my only therapy. I used to post in the Coffee house check-in threads but after leaving and somehow ending up in the "black void" for so long I just can't get myself to do that anymore.