It's become so clear now. The bad part of the cycle, when I become suicidal, is when I wake up and be honest and admit to myself all of this just a sick fake dream, nothing is real. The good part of the cycle is when I pretend everything is real, I'm not alone, and life is barely tolerable.

I just don't know how to deal with this, how to handle it. I want to scream so loud, but who will hear me. Oh God..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................help me