I don't know why my therapist is so obsessed with my mother and with his not being my mother. I don't hardly think of my mother (or of him being like my mother) at all. father... I think about him more with respect to my father, I think. But no, he seems obsessed with mother. sigh.

and so the theory goes that initially infants experience a stream of different sensations and emotions and so on... and the mother plays a 'holding function' in helping the infant integrate those experiences into something like an integrated whole. and in the beginning the infant and the mother are merged. and then the mother becomes less preoccupied with the infant and there is a delay in gratification and thus the infant comes to experience mother as separate. and eventually... as a distinct entity with needs and desires of its own.

only... i don't remember feeling attachment to my mother. only to my father. and my therapist thinks that something must have happened with my mother in order for me to have turned away from (rejected) her and turned to my father for my attachment. only... i don't remember any of that. i don't remember any of that at all.

i can't really be in the moment with my therapist as a person. its too scary. i can't look at him even. it feels too intimate. us being in the same room together - the only two people in the room. talking about personal and intimate stuff. his sitting just across from me. it feels too intimate. and i need to not look at him in order to keep some kind of boundary and seperateness. it doesn't feel safe...

my father... always seemed so distant. and kind of distracted from me. it was like he never really saw me. and i always longed to be closer to him.

my mother... i guess i always felt invaded by her. like she was overstimulating me and i just needed her to back off from me. to get away from me. to leave me alone. so i could calm down or something. i had an aversion to her.

maybe i am a bit averse to my therapist. it is scary when he leans forward and listens so intently. when he does that i need to not look at him. i feel like i want to curl up into a little ball and disappear through the floor. i feel shame.

whereas if he was distant... i'm sure i'd long to be closer...

contrary, huh.