I'm sorry you are in the painful process of detaching from someone you thought would be your main source of love and warmth. I went through something like that myself. I had spent seven years living with a man who drank too much. When it got to where he was coming home drunk every second night, I was getting crazy. He borrowed my car to get to work. After he left, his supervisor at work called. She said she was really sorry he didn't feel well, but they were short at the job and could he possibly make it in. I walked to the nearest bar and saw my car parked outside. I went in and took the keys from him. A few days later, I moved into a separate apartment of my own. I was heartbroken moving out. I still loved him. Your husband sounds somewhat like my boyfriend. My guy had trouble holding a job and had a history of drinking himself into homelessness, repeatedly. I worried what would happen to him. Plus when he was sober, he was my best friend in the world.

Getting away from him worked out way better than I expected. I told him we could still be friends, but that I would have nothing to do with him while he was drinking. Well, our story had a surprising ending. Within two years, he got very sick and decided to stop drinking. We got close again. Our relationship survived, and we had many years together, until he passed away.

I'm glad I had never married him. If I had, we would have ended up divorced. That would have been the end of our relationship. Instead, I kept my options open. You are married, and that changes things a bit. Still, I don't know that you have to limit yourself to two options - stay married and put up with his craziness, or exit the marriage and never have anything to do with him again.

If your husband has been a source of reassurance and comfort, as you say, then I wouldn't characterize your attachment to him as "toxic addiction." It sounds like the two of you have been in love. Love, alone, is not a sufficient reason to stay with someone. I left my guy, even though I still loved him. Toxic is a word that can mean all kinds of different things. I don't like using that word because it's awfully imprecise. I'm sure there are very specific ways of behaving on his part that make him impossible to build a life with. You listed some specific things he's done that leave me convinced that he is very irresponsible and incapable of being much of a partner. Focus on those specific behaviors, as why you need to cut yourself loose from this partnership. It's even okay for you to still love him. But you have to physically separate yourself from him and his profound problems. Clearly, he has very big problems, related to really bad choices he's been making and intends to keep making.

I got to a point where I told my guy, "I love you, and I'll pray for you. However, I cannot be with you." It sounds like that's where you're at. You don't have to despise him. You don't have to treat him, or talk about him, with contempt. But you need to get your life free of the craziness he brings to it. He sounds like a guy who will bring craziness into the lives of anyone who he is involved with. You're probably not the only person who doesn't want him around. His presence is going to be welcomed only by others who live as crazy as he does. I'm not saying you should give him false hope that you're standing by, waiting for him to straighten out. That may never happen. You have a right to move on.