Hi, this is Paul but kinda age slid a bit. Ugg idk what to say but I really need to reach out to people and this little lonely corner of MSF is the only place on earth I have and feel safe. I'm shaking I'm so nervous, about everything, and tears rolling down my face. ...I just don't want to be, but I don't want to hurt anyone! Typing is hard now because I just feel like maybe my posts are bothering people but feel so much it's needed for me, and feeling like I let down the only people in all existence who've been there for me, the inner people, and I guess a few people here at MSF. So im guessing the inner people won't intervene again to save my life. And that makes me feel so strange words could never describe it. Like maybe they don't care about me anymore. But i know they care about me more than i know. Before posting i was looking through both of my psych ward release papers on both times i tried so hard to end my life. And i felt so stupid because both times "i" called my psychologist at the time and she said i have to go to the del amo hospital or she's calling the police. But now i know it was the inner world people who live close to the front co-conscious with me my entire life who fronted and took over. Or whatever happened but it was a 100% personality change all of a sudden before I jumped. The last attempt was on what is famously called suicide bridge in Pasadena, California. Anyway i just took 4 photos of the discharge papers anyone who wants to see. In one of the papers you can see my psychiatrist's name at the time, Melis Alkin. I've mentioned her name here at MSF numerous times over the years. Also in the papers the nurse wrote the suicide prevention number. Am I supposed to put that text in trigger warning box? Sorry I don't know how to do that.


https://mysupportforums.org/album.php?albumid=5842

Anyway im not feeling good all a sudden and cant think well and just need to take a rest but hope to write a lot more maybe later tonight. But want to thank everyone and says that im not suicidal anymore, am looking for a therapist, and want to try my absolute best to hold on my best because i don't want to hurt anyone but this trauma memories thats happening lately is getting difficult to even explain because its a different state of mind thats beyond panic attacks.