Why? I will be 30 years old in a few months time and I have never been loved! I mean NEVER! I am socially inept and very shy but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be loved. Yet it is something that everyone else has or had at some point while It is totally non-existent for me. And it isn't that I don't try. I try really hard and don't get anywhere. It is like there is nothing attractive about me at all. Some people ask me why I am single and say that I am a nice guy (which doesn't seem to count in any way whatsoever) well I just can't answer. It is affecting everything that I do. Most times I can't take it because it hurts me so much. This is the only way I can see the rest of my life being and I can't take that. There isn't anything I can do because all that I have tried has been a complete failure even though I keep trying and trying. I do have some female friends but then I am not anything more than that. I can't be anything more than a friend. I don't mean anything to anybody. I'm just "nice". I always think about others and put others before myself. But I am left away back and someone to be used. I am running out of patience and I get very angry quickly which never ever happened before. My mood swings have increased a lot and can change in the blink of an eye. There is whole lot of pent up anger and frustration which is at boiling point (actually I would say it was very past boiling point)!

There is one other thing which I am concerned about but can't really talk to anyone about and it is pretty serious. There is something I do which I can't control when I am at my lowest point. At the time I don't care about anything or myself and this thing comes on me and I know it is wrong but I can't stop it. There is a real danger of something serious happening to me. Yet in a strange way it is like I want that to happen when I am in that condition. Obviously I don't when I am okay and I want it to stop completely.