My BPD is bringing out the worst in me lately especially with my relationship. I get so angry and jealous and mistrustful. I do that “splitting” thing people with BPD do a lot. I’m trying to find things outside my relationship so that’s not the only thing in my life because I need something outside of that too so I’m not consumed by it. I need friends. I don’t have any. I don’t even know how to make friends. How do you make friends at 29 years old? Where do you go? My social anxiety makes it difficult, I feel so awkward in social situations.

Anyway, I’m doing okay I guess. When I’m not angry and jealous and trying to impulsively quit my job and wreck my relationship. It sucks. I hate BPD. If I had to chose one disorder to get rid of out of the ones I have (BPD, bipolar, anxiety disorder) it would definitely be the BPD. I haven’t felt this dysfunctional since I was in high school or early adulthood. Like that’s why I stayed out of relationships for 10 years. My relationship is good. There’s nothing wrong with it. But my jealousy brings out the worst in me. I don’t know how to trust people. Like I say I trust people but internally I’m always afraid and banking on people doing the wrong thing and destroying me emotionally. I then try to end relationships impulsively for no logical reason other than to protect myself emotionally cause I’m so paranoid about getting hurt.

So yeah that’s what’s going on with me. Idk what to do. I need to work on some stuff in my DBT workbooks. I want to be better. I want to overcome this. It’s not gonna be easy it’s gonna take a long time and a ton of work. I do want to do it though. I don’t want to keep destroying all my relationships or jobs.

I’m still working. I have work later today. 6 hours shift. I’m going on no sleep. At least I’m going. I wanted to quit last week but I didn’t. I’m trying to stick it out for at least 6-9 months. I keep getting paranoid and thinking all my coworkers are talking about me, laughing at me and hate me.

It’s a difficult time for me. I’m trying