Hey there Muddy. If it was me (and it has been me), I'd pick a day to stay straight and sober, and start going to AA and NA meetings where there is support and possible friendship and contact with like minds. Begin a new way of doing things. Change in habits will produce the inner change. This requires great effort and self belief. You may find many reasons to avoid change but that's where you must draw on your inner courage which I know you have. That would be my starting point. Also, you need nutrition. I'd make that a regular thing for health of body and mind. I think you know what you need to do. Push through the fears. You're doing it for you.