Update time. I'm still not appreciating hospice. I'm still thinking it's stemming from my disappointment, in what I'd hoped for, versus what it is. I keep having thoughts that what they are doing is making things harder for me, not easier. But....that's me....my mind. Which is a battle all on it's own. They have managed to get hubby to start using a quad cane, which helps. They've got a wheelchair here now, for when he gets to where he has to use one. They've got a toilet seat that is a bit higher than the toilet we had, and he has said it's helpful. They got the defibrillator turned off, which was a concern. So, yeah. There's been benefits received. I guess I need to spend more time realizing, and appreciating, the "wins", and continue to try to manage the emotions stirred up. Meanwhile, I'm carrying around a boat load of bitterness, and frustration, and aggravation, and sadness. If I dig deep enough I'll probably uncover some guilt mixed in there, also.

So I guess what I'm realizing is, what I need, is what they aren't equipped to provide. My mental health issues aren't things they are set up to deal with. Silly me, looking to the specialists in dying to seek assistance for the struggles of living.

I did create a caring bridge page, for the fam/friends. As they are being told he's in hospice, I've been directing them to it. Only 2 so far seem to have even gone to it. Still, I guess it's been helpful to me to have started it. I'm wanting IT to be "all about him", and so sometimes am struggling to keep my own feelings out of it. Just....report.....updates. Needs. Requests. Why? Because I don't really want to post my thoughts and feelings out there to the others. That's what I come here for. :-) A safer place, for me.

Today was a rough day. I've not been doing great at handling all my emotions, and mine triggered his. I don't think it was necessarily a bad thing. He's been spending a lot of time reminiscing, and today, once he got into a highly emotional state, he started processing long buried emotions from way back in his childhood. Expressing feelings he's never shared with others. Well, that is stuff I certainly can relate to. Hopefully I was even able to help him, some, once I was able to get out of my own head, and realize what was going on with him. He seemed calmer, more at peace, after.

Man, but this is a hard rough road. But I keep reminding myself, I'm choosing to go down this road with him. It's not my road, really - it's his. And I want to light the way for him, help to smooth it out as I can, for him. I've got this. Even when I stumble, even when I fall. Because I can, and will pick myself back up, and keep on going.