Hi Ready, thank you for sharing your story and what you are struggling with. TheGal gave good advice.

You said "I want to live and be someone my family and friends respect." One question I have that may help is do you think those people respect you now? And I am asking what THEY think, not you. The reason I ask that is because I I struggle with that as well, and I tend to sabotage the answer. I think things like "they may respect me but that's only because they don't know the real me". One thing I learning (a work in progress) is that the person they see is as real as any that you see. Give yourself permission to have a fresh start, starting from now. How people see you now, and what you do from now on is the only thing that matters.

Hang in there Ready, do what TheGal suggested and keep talking to people in here