I'm so sorry about your suffering and challenges... and sincerely hope things get better for you soon.

One of the anti-depressants I take is mirtazepine (Remeron), it helps me with my depression, but also treats anxiety which is a major relief to me. I take it and also any SI I might be experiencing disappears quickly.

If you haven't tried it, talk it over with your doctor.

You might also want to check out a book called "Born to Win" by Muriel James and Dorothy Jongward (Gestalt therapy and transactional analysis). Secondhand copies are available through AbeBooks | Shop for Books, Art & Collectibles, if you can't get it at your local library.

I would also suggest Dr. Claire Weekes' "Hope and Help for Your Nerves" either in a book or audiobook format. You can also check out YouTube clips.

Anyhow, I hope that helps...

Wishing you the best on your healing journey....