I asked and was told by an inner person that everything's fine in inner world, everyone is catching up on things and resting. The person said it was nice to hear from me, talk to me. I asked them if there's been any inner world integration (two or more alters becoming one) and was told everything's fine.

Maybe with early childhood trauma surfacing lately it's been hard on them trying to help me and stuff and I vaguely recall feeling an episode lately of dizzy head spinning head pressure severe panic attack.

Not sure what to do. This feeling of singleton is a lot and I don't like it. Sometimes it gives me this deep panic like feeling of loneliness. I know that doesn't describe it at all.

I used to speak to them sooo much long ago, but then I started having cyclic suicidal episodes every week or two. They said I, Sam, and others were persecutors. For a very long time I ended all communication with them. But lately I feel so strongly to go back to them, and hope one day they can forgive me. At least the ones close to the surface. Don't know much about the deep subcon alters and subsystems.

They've always been there though. In my 20s they used to speak to me a lot but I thought they were ETs & Spirits. And in childhood around 5 to 9ish they used to speak to me but I thought it was God.

I have better outer world memories now for some reason. Looking back now during childhood and in 20s & 30s I wonder if it was them who took me to inner world a lot. I've always just assumed it was lucid dreaming or astral projections.

It feels strange, now I have clear memory. I miss them. During childhood I would wake up 100% conscious but in another world. Then around 19 to 20ish they started again. Everything felt 100% real. One time while walking around sudden someone from behind me gently put their arms around me, next thing I'm traveling through a black tunnel with beautiful countless stars at the end of the tunnel. That took me to a foreign beautiful world where I was weightless. These type of experiences happened a lot over the years. Eventually I saw the person, or one of them. She was a young lady, long dark hair, and felt so familiar, like I've known her forever.

And now, life is so horrible! Infancy and early childhood trauma surfacing. I don't want to end myself.