I wanted to sign up for M*** or inject myself with * dose of * laced *. SP asked me what would make me want to live, I said "For my dad to visit" - I broke down and cried when I got home from work.

I talked to my mom about what happened - I said that everything happens so fast that I don't have time to process things so I didn't tell her at first. She said to set boundaries with certain people online like "This isn't good for my mental health, I have to save myself etc - It's not about you it's me etc" - And to talk to my brother, dad, sister etc and just say "How are you" and that I don't have to talk, I can just let them talk..

I had chest pain from drinking 1L of pineapple and lime juice - I think it could have been reflux symptoms, but I thought it could be my heart (Cuz I was lying down on stim).. Today has been more than stressful, or past month at least...

Low doses of * is what is making me cry almost every day for over a month. When I used it in summer of 2017, I cried 40 times a day for 6 days.

I have the top 1% life in the world. I can't screw it up. If I don't have a chance, no one does.

But it's so hard to learn the self and other thing so quickly, I just need to process it a little bit more..