I don't really know if it's "mania" or just BPD on overdrive due to interpersonal stressors. I'm starting to feel it's more the latter because I just felt great spending some time being with this chica I'm kinda starting to think is getting into FP territory, but she had "something else" to do so now I'm just kinda here wasting space and now it's like that time didn't even exist because she's not here RIGHT NOW so she obviously stopped caring about me and I'm gone to her or maybe is thinking/talking shyt about me or that "something else" is "I got fed up with Sam, so I'm going to spend all my time with better people"

and I've been thinking a lot about my dad and really realizing I'm not worth caring about and I should've never been born. And now I'm like him but worse because at least people realize he was consistently someone to avoid after hearing ANYTHING about him, unless you want trouble, but I'm like "heyyyyy " one minute then "get the fk away from me" and then "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I know you wish I were dead I do too. I'd do anything to make you happy even if that's offing myself," then a few days later "I realize that was manipulative, I won't do that anymore. I'm going to do better."

But I don't know. Someone said it was very obvious I was in an episode because I'm "over-reacting to little things, hostile to undeserving people, overdosing (don't know where they got that or with what or what his definition of overdosing is???), not caring about my health or safety or anyone else's health or safety, and extremely emotional. But is that really far off from how I just am and maybe he's gotten to know me? I feel like this dude is no bueno. He's constantly on my *** like "I don't know how to help, call your case manager and if she doesn't get back to you quickly call a crisis line" (WHICH AS YOU KNOW THEY CAN GO SUCK IT).

But like, yesterday I was on the ground in the park at night calling a crisis line crying "I don't belong anywhere, and I don't want to be anymore," and then it's been a rollercoaster of "I'm going to walk to California" and raging at whoever talks to me when I don't have five seconds to think through what I'm going to say or when someone messages me that has wronged me or is trying to be a know it all by googling something and giving me the first thing that pops up as an answer they act like they knew, or says "you can crash at my place" which obviously means they want me to get in bed with them, maybe their roommate too, which might be okay because obviously chica has more interesting things to do than spend time with me.

omg I'm awful. But maybe I'm just not ruled by societal standards? Or I am incapable of caring. But I think I care too much? Or I'm just not even a person, and I am empty and devoid of connecting or attaching or knowing anyone including myself. Or all I do is attach to people and need to be around someone so I'm not alone with myself at any time because that's the worst. Yet all I want is to be alone and listen to Black Dahlia on repeat. But I just want to watch chica sleep and play die first by Nessa Barrett at least in my head. And I filled out 3 housing applications today. But as if I'm going to live alone there which makes me sad.

I found this work-to-live type program where if you spend the summer working on the farm they provide a place to live and (home grown/killed/made) food! But they called and I immediately went to "I ain't spending 6 days a week outside in 90dF and humid weather just for a room when I could pitch a tent in the woods for free, shove it." But I wish I didn't do that now because they also pay you like $1000/month and train you in fields, cattle, and making cheese which I feel like making cheese would be rad.

Hitchhike an hour or so north to where I used to live and try to start up a band again or at least try to get restrained by the hot security guard at the hospital who groped me one of the times I tried running? Or take a train down to Boston and let my shyt go unnoticed?

I need a plan. I'm so directionless. I've never sold drugs, but this guy told me shrooms really helped him with his trauma and all the times I did shrooms I took a lot and just watched stars from lakes in the mountains or it was at concerts.

Holy fk I did not realize how long this was.

Tl;dr: don't know wtf is going on.