Not screaming on the inside (or on the outside for that matter).

Yeah man (maybe TW?), screwing a 40 year old when you're 13 is one thing, but I could NOT have been married to one that would probably not even express an interest in me and would want a wife for the sake of being married, but also probably be off making pornos with the bytches from the other side of the mountains that spread powdery mildew to the local vineyard lmao.

But seriously, you're right. I do have a lot of freedom and don't know what to do with my time. I mean, I'm stuck in this city unless I find someone with a car, or I guess I could spend a day walking down to the train station and travel along the T. I really don't know what to do with my time other than go to the library, the park, or whoever the hell I'm on good terms with that day

(which I've been good to people for the second half of today. I've been quietly listening to my "fk a mofo up" playlist when I feel like fighting, and then when I feel like I'll forever be alone I'm a good friend. I've even called people who I've been nasty to (whether remembering it or just seeing remnants of it in texts or based on how they're acting around me) and said sorry. One person even said he sees I'm battling some demons and that we're good as long as I keep trying to improve.

I guess I just don't know the difference between "trying to improve" and "acting like I'm trying to improve" and I'm worried I'm more in the latter. Maybe by trying to make amends I'm just trying to lure people back in only to split again and not know how to control myself and hurt us both again?

Maybe I should just spend some time doing the Christopher Knight until I can chill.