I was told my dad recently died (drugs). He taught me things like love doesn't exist, any attention is good attention, drugs are the answer to everything (and supplied me), emotions are for the weak (yet explosive anger is ok)

But there were fun times. Once we were both drunk and he tricked me into giving him my money and then he bet it all on a Pats game and DOUBLED IT. Sometimes he couldn't sleep so he'd wake me up and say, "hey, we're going to Boston" and we'd drive down and sometimes wouldn't turn back until we ended up in Connecticut, and boy is the tunnel on 93 and coming out into the city lights my favorite at night. One time we accidentally even snuck into a movie at I think Foxwoods without even realizing it. I think the two of us combined are the reason my mom is crazy these days.

Earlier I was rapidly shifting between pissed at him and being happy he's gone and being pissed that he IS gone, and just straight up wishing I had stayed at his place and maybe we could've either gotten better together or been dysfunctional together, but either way we wouldn't be alone. But all day I've been distracting myself over other things, and now I'm alone in the dark and I'm thinking, and thinking, and thinking, but I can't provoke an emotion.