Ugh how do I stop destroying everything I touch??? And then feeling bad about it. And then other people rubbing it in my face that I’m being self sabotaging or not trying or don’t want to be better.

I thought I was trying. I pursued treatment like everyone told me to, and that has gotten me to survive this far but at this point I don’t think there is a medication or therapist that can help. They said to find stuff you’re good at, and there are a lot of things I’m adequate at, but I’ve yet to really solidify any marketable skills.

And now I’m getting kicked out of a basement.

Is it even possible to really turn my life around at this point or am I doomed to forever start building a foundation and then wreck it whether intentional or unintentional?

This dude literally blocked me because he said to call NH coordinated entry and no one answered and the mailbox was full and I told him I didn’t leave a message because I couldn’t. I’ve called this number at least ten times over the past four months and nobody ever answers and the mailbox is always full.

He said I shouldn't live alone because I'd kill myself, but I would never be able to find someone who would be willing to live with me.

Should I even bother (telling myself I’m) trying? Will anything ever be worth it? Do I go shoot up a final and fatal Time and just become another statistic? Can I ever make up for the damage I’ve done without ridding myself of the world to prevent more damage?

It seems the harder I work at recovery, the more distant it is. Instead of staying at the bottom, I climb a little up and just fall harder.

I’d call my case manager like she said to if I were having difficulties tonight, but I feel like she’ll just say things were not bound to work out attempting to sleep in a basement of an abandoned building (with plenty of people coming in and out) with a guy I met a week ago. I’m running on fumes. I can’t go another sleepless night wandering the city hoping I bump into someone I’m actually on good terms with. I don’t think there’s anybody I’m on good terms with.

I don’t want to be.

I’m sorry for being a PITA. Just tell me to leave (the forums, society, the world, whatever) and I will.