I came up with a plan for final arrangements that I thought my sisters would be okay with. It's a good plan, and they do seem to like my suggestions.

When I was thinking up how to arrange things, I was so focused and in a positive frame of mind. Now that I've got the practicalities figured out and a plan laid out, I've gone from feeling better to feeling like the floor collapsed underneath me. Now I'm thinking of the past and all the years we shared growing up together. It's like looking through a transparent iron curtain. I can see the past. I am standing here, right at the threshold to the past, but I can't step over it. The barrier is like iron. There is no going back. I can see my brother back there, but I cannot go to him. I see him in our old neighborhood. I want to call him, but he won't be able to hear me.

I've learned today that he had an awful bad time in recent weeks. He was using meth and hallucinating. He called police, saying people were trying to kill him. Police responded and found no one threatening him. People who knew him called police yesterday to check on him. The police entered his motel room and found him in a terrible mess on the floor, already lifeless.

I didn't know where he was staying. All this time, he was in a motel room not even a mile from where I live. He knew where I lived. He could have walked over to me, or took a 3 minute bus ride to my place. He was very scared and suffering terribly, and he knew perfectly well that I would have done anything for him. I put up a thread about him in December, when the local hospital called to tell me he was in ICU. I went to the hospital to see him. I brought him warm, clean clothes and an envelope with my current phone number and some money in it. He only wanted me to go away. So I had to leave.

I'm calming down now. Thanks for listening. My sobbing just stopped. I'll be alright. I have no one here to talk to. My sisters texted me today, but no phone calls. One is genuinely sick. The other just isn't too interested. In Dec., she never called to ask about him.

Our parents are both gone. All our aunts and uncles have passed away. The relatives who knew him growing up - and would care - are all deceased themselves. So are the cousins that we grew up with. There's no one for me to call and talk about him with.

I'll fly back when I take care of what has to be done here for him. We'll have a simple service for him. There's hardly anyone to invite. I guess I'll go over to the motel now . . . and see if he left behind any belongings. I wish my boyfriend were still here with me, but I've adjusted to his passing away. That was 4 years ago. I like where I live. Sometimes it's hard to be here alone. Everything in life has its cost.