Wtf man, a kidney punch. I met this woman who said she got a two bedroom voucher and we were going to get an apartment together. She's a nurse. Or was. Lost her income so now she can't pay for anything, and even I have to pull out all the stops to get MY OWN MONEY because my rep payee doesn't let me have access to it (not to mention I haven't talked to her since November).

But that's not even the big problem. She had a heart attack and things aren't looking so good. She called overnight saying she died twice (came back and is still breathing in the hospital though, thank God). Woman is such an amazing person who helped me through a lot of shyt before I got kicked out the shelter where I met her. We wreaked some havoc together, but it was good-spirited havoc like driving recklessly around the city (before dawn when no one is out on the roads so it's not like going the wrong way down a one way street or going through red lights is dangerous)

It just sucks. First my partner overdoses (that was aways back though, but it still hurts and I question why it was her and not me), then I lose my dad and find out from his fking dealer (not that that's really affecting me right now. I lost him long ago. Maybe I never had him in the first place), and I'm probably going to lose this madcap. Then there's all the people I thought would be by my side, but just proved I am incapable of maintaining a relationship. I feel like my CM is going to leave me high and dry too.
edit: I just realized today is the 21st anniversary of the death of the Old Man of the Mountain too. man....

I do have an FP right now who I am trying my best not to either overwhelm or push away. They seem to genuinely care about me and understand I am not always in the best frame of mind, and they are a great inspiration for me to be a better person. I actually think twice before messaging them or calling them, and when we hang out I feel like nothing bad could ever happen. I really do not want to lose them and I've learned showing that they are pretty much the anchor of my life and I would spiral if they weren't around is a good way to make people leave. But seriously, they are amazing, and I think reeling it in a bit is going to go a long way, and this is going to last.