This also reminds me of my own issue of trying to be small. For me, if I'm small enough, maybe then they'd accept me. I personally do this ALL the time.

Your smaller fish reminded me of that. Does it feel like If it's just small enough, maybe then he'll let it/me stay? I know you're trying so hard to work things out. AND I wish/hope there are times where you can know that you are enough exactly the way you are.