I am 53, and these are the things I have had to deal with, so my therapists just may be right.

-Brought to the US at the age of Six (Most of that time had been spent in Germany and the UK

-Mum and Dad in a constant cage match to the death (I ended up with my dad)

-Dad moved had us a new house built right next to two professional people that made my next 8 years a CSA catastrophe. He was away a great deal, VHS technology was a big thing, so most can put those two together.

-Mum's half family came to this area because she did, they are much akin to throwing sodium metal in water. Except I think they are a bit more explosive.

-I was skipped through two grades of school, so I don't think that was great.

- Lost one of my best friends when I was 17, he was 19, to a heart defect.

-I joined the army after graduating college the first time. I saw three live combat rounds as a Ranger, did one year with UN peacekeeping force, final two I was in Rhode Island for strategic planning.

-Got out went to school again, met a woman in Illinois, we were married for almost 3 years and I had a young son. A drunken driver crossed the tollway, they didn't make it.

-I was not the greatest husband, I had sexual orientation problems that I think stemmed from the CSA. Who Knows? I never cheated I just aways felt inadequate.

-Lost many people I grew up with as they committed suicide outright, or had drug overdoses. Another leftover from the CSA, the gift that keeps on giving.

-Lost dad 11 years ago, and mum about 2 and a half. Most all of dad's family is gone.

-At the age of 45 I was diagnosed with stage 3B NSCLC lung cancer because idiot primary care doctor, apparently forgot how to work his X-Ray Machine. So, he proceeded to give me all kinds of Fentanyl, I never became addicted, don't seem to be susceptible to that.

-Had my entire right lung and 10 tainted lymph nodes removed. 8 treatments of chemotherapy, and 36 targeted gamma radiation exposures for treatment and somehow survived, this was 8 years ago.

-A year and a half ago, a CT screening found it had returned in my other lung. Now it is Stage 4 and in three organ systems. According to what my primary Oncologist told me, I should have died about a year ago. But apparently I have to stay for more crap.

Those are pretty much the highlights, well one might add my psychiatrist, who thinks she is a superhero, Dr. Xanax, Master of the Comatose State. She has me on 12mg of that crap a day. I have 100mg Morphine SR, and 30/650 Percocet. Wake up and according to how much pain you are in, that's what you take. I have a grand mal seizure disorder, from a heat stroke (Go Army!) the only thing that seems to work is 97.2mb of Phenobarbital twice a day. A Primary Oncologist and a Pain Specialist handle that, I am on three different kinds of antidepressants. In case I may form a cogent independent thought, the mystery of the comatose state, also throws Hydroxyzine Hcl 50mg 4 times a day at me. I am on so much medicine it is amazing that doesn't do me in.

So, those are the high points, and I must ask if anyone will bother to answer. Do you think diagnosing me with C-PTSD was accurate? I am an M.D. and I think they might have got that one right. I also developed a Fib from exposure to something in a lab but it is controlled with a beta blocker. I was afraid to let them try to shock me back into rhythm, as I was afraid that darn machine might blow up! I am sorry for the long post, I am just to frustrate, fighting pain and malaise, when you are terminally ill people tend to distance themselves from you. I think I might call my primary Oncologist again today so that he can consult his magic 8 ball and tell me again when I will finally stop breathing. I am so tired, and bored and alone.