I never specified strictly romantic relationships if that seemed to be something implied. I do not wish to be a man on a deserted island. (Or a woman in a city with no human interaction)

I think this is just coming to the surface now and becoming a problem now that I'm in a city trying to make healthy connections, as opposed to being in a small town with an opiate problem, knowing every addict, and spiraling with them. And that being okay because it's the norm for meth addicts, alcoholics, or people that smoke weed dipped in formaldehyde or some shyt. Insight kinda sucks, but it's kinda great when you realize there are better ways that yield better results.

I seriously need to relearn the basics of the better ways and master them though and then master the ways of being better.

I'm just so stupid that my mind goes "perfect person in life->(perceived?) slight or faintest sign they won't always be around->do something that tests the relationship to see if they'll stay but eventually they leave sometimes because they realize I'm awful sometimes because I've straight up told them to fk off->screw it, gonna drink for days, make an attempt probably both->hospitalization and being convinced there's hope->restart of cycle.

But I've noticed this IS a repeat thing for me, the way I go about it is incredibly manipulative (even though I don't mean for it to be), and I'm going to put a stop to it no matter how uncomfortable I may feel.