I guess I have an appointment on Friday to meet my new T. I feel like a bomb. Rationally, based on history and current circumstances, I do not think I can be defused in time. Probably going to wind up dead or behind bars. Already want to be dead. Everyone else wants me to be dead too.

Yeah, I've given dedicating myself to recovery a chance lately, but then I realized there is no fking point. Sure, I won't bother anyone else by being hostile or putting them through this idealization/devaluing cycle, concern them by self-harming/drinking/using to a dangerous extent, and whatever the fk else I do that makes other people's lives shyttier than they need to be. I don't think that will make me content though. I'm 27, and I've already seen a few people my age or younger that I've called a friend or partner have died, and I'm fking jealous. I don't want to drag a therapist into this and frustrate her with my flip-flopping between extreme efforts of recovery only to in one off day. And then say "I'm REALLY going to get better this time." And do the same shyt. No one is going to be there 24/7, I don't want that, I'm not expecting that. So why bother getting a therapist when we both expect I'm going to improve when, in all reality, I'm going to die before ever saying "I'm content."?

I know someone's going to say "discuss your concerns with her," but my thing is I don't know her, she doesn't know me, and I don't think I will even go to this appointment unless there is a legitimate reason to.