Another long-*** post with too many tangents and details coming ahead.

I'm fking it up with my partner. They're going to realize I'm a POS with no standards, think they're better than what I deserve, and move on to greener pastures (all true). We supposed to get together tomorrow morning. I think I'd rather throw myself off a bridge. They have INTERESTS and SKILLS in those interests. People LIKE them for their charisma, passion for life, humor, and authenticity.

Wtf do I have to offer to anyone? "Yeah, I'll make a trip for groceries, but I have no money and if I go today any money you give me is going towards destruction of my liver because I am just a little unstable today"??? Maybe even "haha, yeah, you can call these pancakes healthy because there chocolate protein powder and bananas in them so dig in"???

Seriously. I know I'm posting in the bipolar forum, and after reading up a bit on BPD and really taking a look at myself that seems like more of my problem at least now that I'm sleeping somewhat regularly and not spending days under a bed with a knife ready to pounce.

Maybe, like when I was in recovery from drugs/alcohol for however tf long that lasted, it was "happy denial->painful insight->work on shyt->not spend 24/7 being in grave danger" and supposedly people tell me there is actual contentment afterwards, but Idk if that'll ever be a thing for me. Yeah, I get the whole "progress, not perfection" and "make an inventory of yourself so you can improve" philosophies of AA. I believe I can some day go without doing the thing I just did with my partner (go overboard with an expression of willingness to be with them and compliment them to no end and yes I totally am idealizing this person, and they did not reciprocate that leading to this spiral of "maybe I should leave them alone forever. Maybe I should give up any progress or even moments of mindset change I had and actually take the food money to the liquor store and forget a day for $13. Maybe I should (do something specific I'm thinking of doing that'll put me in the hospital at worst, next to my dad at best)"

I do not know how to do this on my own. Based on the gazillion therapists/psychiatrists I've seen, warm lines/crisis lines I've called, and groups I've been to, I don't think I can do this with outside help.

I have explicitly told my roommate that I have some mental health struggles (didn't specify exactly) but I did tell her they were a little beyond what people say when they say "I have a mental illness" and talk about depression and anxiety. I'm not trying to minimize their struggles or act like I have it the worst in the world because depression and anxiety suck *** and there are a crap load of people in worse shoes than mine, but I do feel like a bipolar/BPD/PTSD/bulimia/addiction combo is, generally speaking, a harder set than a depression/anxiety combo.

But in the span of typing this my partner asked me if I wanted to spend tomorrow and the night with them so I'm not feeling like jumping off a bridge is a thing I'm going to do anymore.