Please bear with me. I am dealing with some things and need someone to tell.

I am on the fence about whether I should split from my husband. We are giving counseling a shot soon. We've just had so many problems: me dragging my feet in decision-making, my family influencing my decisions, boundaries with my family, expectations of each other - all even before we got married (even the very night before our wedding - he wanted to kill himself because he was so stressed from my negative emotional dumps during wedding planning). Before that, I had a feeling about breaking up, but I stayed because I saw how good he was to me.

Still 1.5 years later, we are having the same arguments, same fights, same stressors. One of our biggest fights was two weeks ago. He called me really horrible things (out of extreme anger). Each fight, he threatens divorce, calls his parents

Last summer, he got into an argument with my sister about her disrespecting him. She denied that it was offensive and laughed it off. During the trip, which was incredibly chaotic because of my mother's outbursts as well, left everyone on edge. My husband and I would argue in private, and he'd beg me to have some time to ourselves. That's where I messed up.

I come from an enmeshed family. I also have a disorganized, avoidant, fearful attachment style, and emotional dysregulation in times of crisis. I have trouble communicating my needs because I don't even know what I need. Prior to that life-changing argument with my sister, my husband had wanted to jump off the balcony because he was so stressed from the demands of my mother, and rudeness of my sister. I reassured him that everything would be okay. He was in distress and I abandoned him. I felt paralyzed because I loved him but couldnt find the courage to support him.

Fast forward from that trip to now. My sister and I haven't talked for about 9 months. We text about me picking up the nieces and nephews. We text about uncoupling financial things. My mom has pressured me to apologize to her. My husband to apologize to her. My stepdad has encouraged me to have a talk with her. My mom's emotional state has also affected his mental health because he can't calm my mom down, she's "lost her daughters" and now I feel soooo guilty that I feel like they are headed for divorce. It would be my fault that they split. Now, my stepdad is visiting his own mother out of town for awhile, away from my mom.

Vfydyuhkguf6fivovov I am losing my mind every day. I feel numb and can barely see. I cry every night. I have developed bags under my eyes. I can't see myself anymore. At work, I can function as a teacher. But deep down, I feel miserable and cry during my prep times.

Future family events are ruined. We didn't even spend Christmas with my mom. Now graduation season is upon us and I have to decide if I can go to my niece's graduation ceremony and make the drive by myself (I am blind in one eye and can't drive long distances).

I'm not sure where to turn.
I am not sure which direction to go.
If I'd let my then-boyfriend go 4-5 years ago, maybe things wouldn't be this bad. He wouldn't have to carry all this with me. And he'd be better mentally. Maybe I'd be somewhat better mentally. I let him down so many times. I broke him. Feels like we are broken beyond repair. I know he loves me but sometimes it's hard for me to trust.

I feel regret for hurting so many people. I feel stupid for wasting so much time and not listening to myself.

What would you do?