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Originally Posted by ArmorPlate108
Heres a secret- no matter what you choose to do, it will be the wrong thing.
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I'll be honest ... I re-read this many times ... in an enmeshed family, no matter what ... it will be the wrong thing.
That's how enmeshed families work - there's constant drama energy among the players. That's where boundaries come in. You don't let the drama cross your border, and likewise don't send any in the other direction.
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As far as the graduation, sit quietly with yourself and figure out what YOU want to do. Talk to your H, get on the same page as him, whether you both go, you go alone, or you don't go at all. Take into consideration what would cause the least upset to your neice- the day is about her, but the family drama has the potential to get in the way.
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Yes because, ultimately it's not about me. She and I aren't as close as we once were, but I have been in various parts of her life as she grew. I think the right thing to do would be to join and congratulate her.
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For the record, H's family is the enmeshment that I deal with. MIL is the primary instigator, the center of the circle. A few years ago, meek FIL was marvelling at how I "handle" MIL. It's not handling, it's just healthy boundaries, but those aren't allowed in an enmeshed family, so healthy boundaries seem alien. And that's one of the biggest obstacles in healing and changing- just not knowing where the "normal/healthy" line is.
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Have you had healthy boundaries since the beginning of your marriage? How did your H establish them. For me, I get so anxious and nervous to address what I need that I just shut down or just stick to fawning [people-pleasing]. Same patterns ....
Both you and your h could potentially benefit from learning more about boundaries. What normal ones look like and how to get them.