Things have been going well, but I had a setback. The other night, I was scrolling through my pictures and came across the most recent picture I have of him. His mom took it a month ago. His face just looked so happy and innocent - it looked like his weight was going up too and his face started to look full - he look genuinely happy. I don't know what it was, but I just started bawling. Like really bawling, like my whole life was falling apart because my heart ached so much. I kept crying out "I miss you baby, so much"
I am reminded that he is not getting better from him mom. I spoke to her yesterday because she called me to thank me for her mother's day card. She will always be a mom to me because of how her messages and letters kept me going in jail - she did more for me than my own parents did at that time. She informed me that Giovanni still thinks it's no big deal to go "hang out and use drugs once a month" he still doesn't get it at all. He hasn't mentioned me at all to her or the fact that my number had changed. As much as I am hurting, it is just confirmation that I absolutely made the right decision. His mom even said to keep by my stance of not ever reaching out to him because he honestly is still not in a good place with his mental health or sobriety and has no intention of making a change.
This still really hurts. This isn't the first time I have broken down like this. Wednesday when I saw my sponsor, I bawled like a baby right there in the Barnes and Nobles where we were having lunch. She said that I am expecting too much from myself - that honestly its only been 5 months since I last saw him and only a couple weeks since we spoke. It will take time to experience this grief. I didn't want to call it grief because he didn't die, but the relationship itself did in fact die. I never really ever experienced grief before, but I imagine this is what it feels like - maybe I am just stuffing my feelings too much and just keeping too busy? Because these breakdowns keep catching me by surprise.