I (too) feel anger in the post. It's good you wrote it out.
Bottling it all up is never healthy. I agree with TheGal that it would be worth investigating if you could have PTSD. (there are others here who come from abusive/traumatic ''families'' of origin). Thank you for trusting us here to share this. I'm sorry for your suffering and pain. Please update us (at some time if you're ready) if you feel like it might help.