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Old May 13, 2024, 12:24 PM
MuddyBoots's Avatar
MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
Where am I?
 
Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: Live Free or Die!
Posts: 7,097
I still don't freaking know when to call my CM or T. If I called every time I felt tempted to act on a suicidal thought, I'd be on the phone with them non-stop. But my CM told me this morning I should call before doing something. How am I supposed to know if I'm going to do something? I legitimately don't.

Possible trigger:


I'm a stupid POS and I can't even know what I'm going to do in five minutes so why tf should I bother trying to set goals, stick to plans, make commitments, etc. when the only thing I know for sure is I'm going to change those at least five times before they come up and end up doing something completely different. I don't understand. How am I supposed to want to live when I don't believe in anything that isn't this second?

Literally yesterday I said I was going to wake up early and let a neighbor give me a ride to see my CM at the agency, and then go to a friend's and spend the night there, and then walk to my partner's the next day maybe spend the night. Not even past the first step and I screwed up.
__________________
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
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