I still don't freaking know when to call my CM or T. If I called every time I felt tempted to act on a suicidal thought, I'd be on the phone with them non-stop. But my CM told me this morning I should call before doing something. How am I supposed to know if I'm going to do something? I legitimately don't.
I'm a stupid POS and I can't even know what I'm going to do in five minutes so why tf should I bother trying to set goals, stick to plans, make commitments, etc. when the only thing I know for sure is I'm going to change those at least five times before they come up and end up doing something completely different. I don't understand. How am I supposed to want to live when I don't believe in anything that isn't this second?
Literally yesterday I said I was going to wake up early and let a neighbor give me a ride to see my CM at the agency, and then go to a friend's and spend the night there, and then walk to my partner's the next day maybe spend the night. Not even past the first step and I screwed up.