I've posted before about how I've wondered about my sexuality at times...I seem to be drawn to masculine females, though I've never had a sexual or lesbian relationship and do have enjoyable sex with my husband...but this seeing a masculine woman triggers my fantasys of being taken care off and completel merger with another I think...I really need to talk this out with T now, but its causing me anxiety even the thought of doing this, even though I had brooched the subject last friday when I talked about "The dream"...you know perhaps because my T fits this criteria and I'm scared she will say, "Do you find me to be masculine?" and yes I do, but she has an inner warmth that is pure woman!...I feel as if I'm on the borderline between accepting myself as female and not accepting it, like I can only accept being a female as long as its very close to being male also..it must be strong and not shallow...why I have this idea of what female is acceptable to me and what isn't? I Know my adoptive mother use to talk about what an attractive woman she was before she got us, and yes I've seen photos that back that up, but my experience of her was a big woman that always wore trousers...as a child I would cry if I had to wear a skirt, I hated having to do female things...my adoptive mother told me I wasn't a pretty girl, that i was rather plain...T says that my adoptive mother wouldn't let me be prettier then her...i was most proberbly a threat to her?...perhaps she felt the relationship I had with my adoptive father, which was very good enought! was a challenge to her? she was motherless from age5 and raised by her elder sister and had 2 brothers and her father who she idolised? Perhaps she wanted to be the only female in the house?..but why would that make me attracted to masculine strong women? or is that how I saw my adoptive mother? and Im hoping to get the care and loving still that I should have got from her? %#@&#! this drives me up the wall wondering why? what is it? what does it mean? does it mean I'm a closet lesbian? would I run a mile if a woman touched me? I've got to talk about this, but not sure I can be so fluent about it as I am here right now.