I honestly don't know how to start this here at this very moment (that and I hope all this makes sense upon reading).

I would like to start off my saying; I am sorry I dont post more (is that smthing I should feel bad about? I honestly dont know anymore) or interact with others like others do on this site. Ive spent so much of my life so utterly lost in extreme isolation, it could be argued that my people skills/ bed side manner isn't the best at this stage in my life.

So I deeply apologize to anyone who has ever found the energy to not only read, but has also taken the time to comment on any of my posts in the past (and thank you as well for finding that same energy and taking the time to read this here), as I tend to get overwhelmed and triggered quite a bit in life. And with that, I try my best to battle these inner demons within myself (altogether succumbing to deep overwhelming, emphatic, soul-crushing depression).

I am sharing this simply bcuz (after spending the last decade being all over the place, utterly beside myself lost and drowning in this inner turmoil), after having a good cry , I feel like there just has to be more to life than this – isn't there?

That along with wanting to ask, albeit beg the question, how do you start life all over again at 50 (when you have absolutely no sense of direction, along with no clue/ no idea where to begin)?

These last few weeks Ive felt hopeful, however, here and there that feeling altogether gets dashed and falls by the wayside, as the bittersweet self-loathing takes over (its honestly been more of a “rinse and repeat/ love-hate thing” for as long as I can remember tbh, yet I digress).

That being said, however, I sat here for the last hour (or so) combing the internet for Options (any kind of option which might work really). Even considered reaching out to a life/ career coach. Yet what exactly would you say in relation to your current (altogether bleak) living situation? That you're stuck, lost, while having absolutely no real life or work skills (never mind the every day cumbersome/ taxing mental health diagnoses you find yourself struggling with), or is that too much tmi, I wonder?

As I attempted telling a friend of mine (the only person who will talk and interact with me /anymore these days, though, I feel sorry for them putting up with me) “the simplest way I can describe the way I feel right now (while feeling so beyond overwhelmed) is like one million stress balls, all bouncing off every wall and every single surface within this room. All while trying my utmost best not giving into falling apart and sobbing uncontrollably (hugging myself as I violently shake, as I seek solace rocking back and forth)”.

And yet the only thing I found myself wanting in that very moment was the song by Natalie Merchant – My Skin (as the tears began to fall from my face).

(So much as happened (long before covid ever came into our world) over the decades, all while never having a single person to truly turn to, while doing what Ive always done, simply shove it deep down/ bottle it all up, suck it up and continue onward.

Yet this world doesnt seem to care much for that which is broken (or so it seems to me anyways, given my traumatic experiences in life)? You're just supposed to pick yourself back up by the proverbial boot straps, and yeah, continue on continuing on.)

Yet again, I cant help but beg the question, once your life has altogether fallen apart around you, losing the job you've worked at for the last 30yrs, losing everything really, as your everyday life feels like nothing more than a chaotic yo-yo/ roller coaster ride from hell, how do you start life over again at this age in life (all things considered)?

I attempted applying for disability not too long ago, however, wasnt able to stomach the whole process without continuing to drown in this abyss, along side the endlessly waiting. So ya, Ive since canceled all that, nevertheless, here I sit trying my best to hold unto hope, what little hope there is left (even though I feel and am convinced im beyond hopeless).

Again, I do apologize for rambling on so much here (I dont get out much anymore in my defense). Yet I guess the question I trying to ask here (aside from what I alrdy have) is – is turning to a life/ career coach the right option? And if so, can a life/ career coach even help someone such as myself, what would you even say/ what do you not say (as so not to overshare) - is this even a possibility or am I simply grasping at unattainable straws here?

(hangs head low)