Past psychiatrists have diagnosed me with bipolar disorder or schizoaffective d/o and tried me on a million different meds*, and, yeah, some have "helped" by making me so tired, dulled, and without any drive that I of course didn't get into any trouble. Some times. Then I'd get used to them and the side effects would go away and I'd learn to "operate" at "baseline" (???) and I'd go back to manic-like behavior (mostly impulsivity, hyperactivity, and paranoia, not sleeping but that might've been PTSD because I have all those other symptoms for months now but I'm sleeping fine just with weird hours). In the past year or so they said I have BPD which seems to be more of a problem than bipolar (maybe the only problem?)

I've been without meds for a few months now, and I've been a shyt show, but I don't think I've been more dysfunctional than when I was on meds, just now I don't have akathisia, no unexplained weight gain (I have gained though but switched from restricting to binging/purging so...) can experience pleasure, and only want to kill myself half the time.

I will say with actually feeling things, I've been in more trouble (got arrested, got an STD, made two suicide attempts, was in the hospital after three straight weeks of drug use, drinking, and traveling halfway down the east coast with a stranger while dissociated of the total black out kind but some memories are coming back). Some times I'm handling it better though. I might just not care though. (I've also been working on connecting thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations that were previously disconnected due to complex trauma, so that also is causing actually having emotions along with not being on meds that docs cranked up to high doses because I was "treatment resistant")

*before you say "you just haven't found the right meds," I have tried:
Seroquel, geodon, abilify, vraylar, fanapt, saphris, clozaril, latuda, zyprexa, invega, risperdal, thorazine, haldol, fluphenazine, lexapro, lithium, depakote, tegratol, trileptal, lamotrigine, amoxapine, zonegran, prozac, doxepin, effexor, cymbalta, every benzo, propranolol, prazosin, gabapentin, topamax, and mirtazapine. And in various combos as whoever tf I was seeing at the time saw fit.

So basically the good times are better and the bad times are worse. I just started therapy again and don't have a pdoc. Obviously my therapist doesn't know me well enough to really have a good discussion with me on this yet, and I feel it's on me to decide if I should push to get in with a med-provider or not.

I mean, I've survived the past few months so... I'm leaning towards I don't need them. But it hasn't been pretty; I'm a good example of what not to do, but I feel like if I just chose to do better I can do better without a pill or ten.

I don't know man, just thinking through things and looking for insight and other things to consider.