Hey Sunrise. I think... To start with, I wondered why my therapist was so obsessed with my Mother. I kept thinking 'my relationship with my mother wasn't really an issue that impacts on us - my relationship with my father, however'...

And he kept on about my mother... And then I started to see that yeah, I guess that what was so hard about my relationship with my father was that it wasn't really buffered by my having a good relationship with my mother. So... My fathers leaving only had the significant impact on me that it did because I didn't have a good relationship with my mother to buffer that.

But then... My therapist told me about what Winnicott had to say about the role of mother. And... It made sense. I know my father never really had a lot to do with me so it wasn't that i attached to him because he spent the most time with me or anything like that. He said... That I rejected my mother. And... He is right. I did. And so something significant must have happened for me to have rejected my mother and attached so much to my father. Because... She did spend the most time for me. She fed me and hung out for me and came to me when I cried. So... What happened between us for me to have turned to my father?

And... It never really struck me before that it is actually rather odd that I attached to my father, so. And that I never really remember feeling attached to her. So... I guess I can take his point that something must have been off between us... And that must have had more of an impact than I had realized... I guess... Now that he has mentioned it... I guess I agree. I'm just as surprised is all. My mother wasn't a significant force in my life. She was not. But really... Who am I fooling?

And so we had our conversation about how he thinks that I get really defensive sometimes - Like I'm expecting him to be criticizing me... And then he said about my rejecting her. And I was all ready to get defensive... Then I thought... He actually has a point. I did reject her. I just wanted her to get the hell away from me. Because... She wasn't soothing. She could only integrate my experiences in a way that was painful to me...