My partner just said they wanted to discuss something with me in person Friday night and something about wanting to spend as much life with me as I'll let them. They are, in my eyes, perfect. They've showed nothing but love, understanding, and affection.

I don't deserve this connection. It's uncomfortable. I'm not used to it. I'm supposed to be with someone who treats me the way I deserve to be treated. This is probably why all my life I've spent all my time with addicts and abusers.

I'm going to fk up and hurt them. I know how it's going to go. One day they'll wake up and realize better things await them, and leave as they should, if that day comes before I leave because I'm too scared to wait for that day.

The idea that they said they want me in their life as much as I'll let them scares me a lot too. I can't even think about the next hour, let alone "life." For all I know in ten minutes they're going to show up and say they're out, or I'm going to call them and freak.

I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I don't want to feel like I should wake up tomorrow for someone else either. I feel smothered in a way.

I don't know whether to get out of my comfort zone and stick with it or to stop talking to them so I can stop thinking they think they've rescued an abused dog from the shelter. I know it's my own insecurities and probably some disorganized attachment BS, and I should focus more on enjoying their presence and giving them love, but the receiving end of this love feels like torture. I know I shouldn't go back to people that abuse, cheat, are more a drinking buddy than a partner, manipulate, etc., so I'm kinda thinking I'm just going to refrain from anything like this forever.

Idk man. Thoughts?