I jsut never thought I'd self harm. When I was younger I just didn't think I would do it, I thought it was pointless.

The one day I was holding a knife and I did it. A few weeks later I did it again, afew weeks later I did it again. Then I wanted to stop.

I remembered how one of my other friends had self harmed and I didn't like it. How I thought she'd only done it for attention because she was freely telling people. Still didn't like it.

I've only ever told 2 people what I did, one of them because she was there and needed to spill, another because she has depression and had done the same thing. And it really hurt when my mother suddenly said to me: "If you thought about self-harming, you'd tell me, wouldn't you?" so i lied and said yes. And I had only done it once since. Untill last week.

I just felt bad and I was trying up and there was a knife in my hand. One cut, barely nicked the skin, second cut, not deep enough, third cut okay, blood. Why did I do that again? It was like it had happened before I gained control of myself.

I do it on my hand, if it's on my hand I can say my cat scratched me. I use my cat as an excuse and I feel bad for it. But it's handy.

And I still don't know why I do it. it's like, emotional pain isn't enough, I have to make it physical. And then it leaves me with a sense of inner numbness.

And after the first time I never thought I would do it again. I'd been tempted, but I hadn't, and after every time I was sure I wouldn't do it again. But I did because I couldn't control myself.

I'm a stupidly slow healer. The one time I cut on my leg in about March is still there. You can see it, but you can't feel it. It's like the evidence is there to haunt me and tempt me to do it again.