I feel as though your posting here suggests some part of you does want the help, does want to live. Or else you just wouldn't go to the session and not say anything. I'm not saying that to be critical--I'm saying it so you listen to that part of you that *does* want to live and stop risking your life in so many ways. I'd go to the session and tell them it's hard for you, that you feel like you're in trouble. And go from there.