I said I was fine and I'd do better, and yesterday wasn't too bad but here I am and I don't think I can stand literally. I've been drinking more, not a lot but at this point I know it's going to be hard to moderate if i manage to make money which I have enough for quite a few bottles of cheap vodka. and I know it's really bad but right now I don't feel anything and that's what I've been complaining about a lot, but this is like I don't even feel myself not feeling anything.

I'vef come to realize I'll never die based on the evidence when a lot of people wouldn't have survived some stuff my body been through. I could probably go back in time and jump off the 75th floor of the twin tower on 9/11 and manage with I don't know a concussion or some thing

I want to feel good when I do good. Not just in mania or intense BPD highs from anything like being validated by someone I love to straight up crazy behaviors. Maybe I would if I was okay for more than a few days. I don't even know if I'm in like a super depressed and don't care episode or mixed or manic or if this relationship has my BPD in overdrive. Not on meds so bipolar is essentially uncontrolled and I wouldn't be surprised. If my t and cm think I'm dangerously bipolar they could send me to the hospital and I'll be honest with the psych evaluator and they'll let me go because they don't give a f and then my therapist will be like "noooop, danger danger" and petition for an IEA like in December

Also, who tf approved 90dF heat today?