You have my full sympathy, RD. I'm about to travel thousands of miles to visit family. Right now, I have anxiety about how that's going to go. On my last two trips, there was some unpleasant melodrama.

I loved my father, who is gone now, but provoking people was a sport for him. He'ld do it to me, and sometimes I'd react, letting him know that I didn't appreciate the "needling." Then he'd say "Everything bothers you." That would make my head want to explode. So I hear you.

Your kids sound wonderful. How great that you didn't perpetuate toward them what was done to you! Your father sounds like an excellent person to NOT take advice from. I would vehemently disagree with him on your regarding any prospective dating partner as a new "mother" for your kids. That would not be her role, IMHO.

No one can push our buttons like those in our immediate family. At this very moment, I'm trying to work on not getting provoked by not getting validated by a family member. I hadn't asked for her validation. She called me to chat about my upcoming trip to visit family. She launched into a mini-lecture about how I need to try and not react emotionally, when someone says something I find upsetting. (That happened on my last trip.) Her saying that made me want to scream. I didn't. Instead, I said - "Someone's at the door. I have to go." I'm glad I got off the phone. I think she believed me. I don't care, if she didn't.

There is tremendous power in being able to not react. There's a scene in The Godfather Part 3, where Michael Corleone tells his nephew, Vincent, "Never let anyone know what you're thinking!" I'm trying to paste that on the inside of my forehead. When I've revealed that something hurt me, saying so often just opened me up to more hurt.

I had a long relationship with the man I loved. Telling him when I felt hurt usually prompted him to offer a heartfelt apology. That's one reason why we lasted so long together (until he passed away.) That's the only relationship where it worked like that. With close relatives, I've found that taking exception to something said to me just makes the other party go on the defensive and dig their heels in deeper.

I get impetuous, when I'm aroused emotionally. That has not worked out well for me. So I'm trying to rein in that tendency. It can be awfully hard. Like me, I think you know what you need to do - change your response. Easier said, than done! Sometimes, our best bet is to just temporarily withdraw from engaging with the person.

When you said, "I have to work on not being provoked, and not reacting when I'm not validated . . . " it felt like you were right inside my skin today. I can't give you any surefire approach on how to achieve that. Just know that I'm right there with you, enmeshed in the same struggle. You're father is into playing with your head. That, right there, is toxicity. In my case, today, my sister wasn't trying to negate me. I'm sure she was intending to be helpful. With my father - who has passed on - it was deliberate gamesmanship, which feels worse. I always wished I was more witty and could think up snappy comebacks, but his mind was too quick for me. So I'd just stay away from him, until he would call almost begging me to come visit.

Good luck at court. Judges do have to consider the wishes of children. It sounds like your kids want to be with you. That should count for something.