My mom somehow found out about my novel. I don't know how! She doesn't have Facebook and I certainly didn't TELL her about it. My mom and dad are strict, conservative Christians. My novel is an LGBTQ horror and has a rape scene in the beginning of it. I'm bisexual. My mom DOES NOT need to find that out. I'm so freaked out I feel like I'm going to pass out. I took 200mg of seroquel and it's not calming me down! I want to start bawling. I lost my virginity to this guy who took advantage of me while I was drunk when I was 18. My mom found out and called me a ***** and from the ages of 18 - 21 while I was still living at home I suffered EXTREME verbal abuse, gaslighting, and little mind games. If I wouldn't have met my husband I'd be a lesbian.

Anyway, so the book has a lot of that in it. The mom character is mirrored off my own mom. The rape scene is just like what happened to me. And the protagonists conflicted feelings about her sexuality are like my own at that age (I was ashamed of being attracted to both men and women!).

So now I'm on this huge trip down memory lane.

And feel stupid because I'm 41 and this **** my mom did and said to me 20 years ago still bothers me!!!

😭 😭 😭 😭 😭

I DO NOT want to hang out with them, but my mom wants to get together soon, probably so she can see my daughter.

I have so much hurt inside of me that my mom has caused me over the years since that unfortunate inciting event. And my parents are CLUELESS. I feel like it's time I let them know, but they'd just respond with, "You're selfish and ungrateful." And THAT would make me feel even worse. Since 18 I've been the scapegoat and black sheep of the family.

I don't know why I have to be so sensitive and so damn.... NICE all the time!