Hi all. I could really use some encouragement. I live thousands of miles from my next-of-kin. I love them and miss them. I believe they do care about me too. However, going back to visit hasn't always gone smoothly. My longtime partner passed away, and I've never had children. So siblings are extremely important to me. They are all the family that I have. My last two visits were marred by some melodrama, which I want to avoid this time. In both of those cases, alcohol was flowing, which I think led to conversations going sideways.

Before my last trip, I went back to attending Al-Anon to try and reinforce my resolve to not get set off by things people say, while "under the influence." Despite me firmly making that commitment, I failed to keep it. You may remember the old line about how "The best laid plans . . . often go awry."

Another Al-Anon principle is to accept that one cannot control outcomes. Maybe I need to embrace that and figure: What happens happens. But I'm having intense anxiety today. I'm getting together with family to lay my brother's remains to rest. Back in December, I went to visit him in the hospital. I loved him and wanted to see how I could possibly help him. He very firmly told me to go away. So I did. In April, he died. He was found by police, who contacted our family. An acquaintance of his told me that my brother had gotten heavy into drug abuse. I don't think he wanted me to see how he was living. The coroner says that a drug overdose probably contributed to his death.

I've coordinated with my sisters to make the final arrangements. I want this to be a healing get-together. Today, one of my sisters phoned to chat about my upcoming visit. I bought a one way ticket because I'm not sure how long I'll want to stay. My sister who called seemed to be a bit bothered by that. She launched into a mini-lecture about how I need to not let things bother me and how I need to not react when things go a bit sideways. I've been telling myself the same thing. I believe she meant well, but I'm upset right now over her saying that stuff.

I suppose it may be rude on my part to not give my sisters firm dates, as to how long I'm staying, but I want to keep my departure date flexible, depending on how things go. I'd love to stay long enough to enjoy some summer family doings with them. They live in different states, and they are not emotionally close with each other. So the logistics get a bit involved. When my other sister drinks, she can get very morose and hard to be around. Usually, she's sober, and I mostly love being with her. But it's unpredictable how things will go.

My sister who called today has always kind of looked down on me over my history of getting depressed. Years ago, she said, "There's lots of things I could get depressed about, but I don't let myself." She's a very good person, but I learned long ago not to ever call her for support when I'm depressed. My other sister - the one who drinks a bit heavier - is actually the one I can readily confide in.

Last year, I came back from my trip heartbroken. I made a mistake by even slightly alluding to that on the phone today. That was what launched the sister who called into telling me how I should learn to not react to things. I got off the phone quickly, by saying someone was at my front door. I'm glad I did that, rather than start getting into a defensive back-and-forth. But I'm very upset over the call.

I guess that proves I'm just too thin-skinned, which I am. I know my faults. I am working on them. Please, Someone, tell me that this upcoming trip may turn out just fine . . . and, if it doesn't, that's not the end of the world either.

I can't adequately describe the angst I've been going through over the past hour, since that phone call. It has felt awful. What is wrong with me? (Rhetorical question.) Before this phone call, I was in a great mood looking forward to my trip. Now I'm a writhing mess of insecurities. I'm so afraid that something may go sideways and that I won't think fast enough to handle it diplomatically.

One pdoc told me I had "atypical depression." That's when a person is very "sensitive to interpersonal rejection." I think he nailed it. My mood seems to depend on the tone of the last thing someone said to me. I recognize that as a form of immaturity. But it's how I tend to be. So, please help me out with something positive to think about.