Right now, I just wish this trip was over with. I've been seeing a psychologist to overcome a long interval of depression that plagued me all thru the winter. He's good to talk with, and I've been doing much better. I've been able to post repeatedly in the check up thread that I'm not depressed. I joined a yoga class. Yesterday, I went to a meeting of my neighborhood association. I've been making myself get out of the house and be involved with others. I know what I need to do, and I've been pushing myself. I do feel much better than I did. The trip, if it goes well, would give me a big boost.

But I can't depend on things going as I would like. Last year I made a big mistake by not saying "goodnight" and simply going to bed when things got a bit stressful. I should have just politely disengaged. Citing a slight headache and a need to go lie down can be a very good means of making a safe, sudden exit.

I used to have more relatives to visit when I traveled back. Some of them have passed away. There were two homes that I loved visiting, where I felt so warmly welcomed and so safe. Those relatives are gone now. I miss them terribly. One had even given me a key to their house.

I'm starting to have bad anxiety again. I have another relative who has been wanting me to come stay with her. She doesn't know I'm coming out. My sister who called today doesn't want our extended family to know about my brother's passing. So I haven't told anyone. My sisters don't have much to do with any of our relatives. I always loved to keep up with extended family . . . probably because I don't have kids. I loved visiting anyone who was interested in having me. I nurtured those connections and found joy in them.

I feel exhausted now from the weight of things on my mind. I want to crawl into bed and not get up for a few days. That's a sure way of becoming depressed again. So I must keep pushing to maintain some normalcy.