A lot of my actions DO feel like choices though. At least at first. When I got drunk last week, I could've sooo could've just not had that first drink. Then it was harder but I lasted a week and yesterday I drank much more, and right now I'm on multiple substances including a crap load of alcohol and I don't even know how I'm not more fked up with everything I've knowingly taken plus whatever I unknowingly have taken.

When I binge I KNOW if I just say "chill, Muddy, you have control. If you take that first bite, you will think you're out of control and continue." I could totally avoid purging after if I didn't let the shame of being a disgusting, gluttonous POS and the terror of gaining a lot of weight consume me.

In relationships, if I just take 5 seconds to pause and think about the situation with wise mind (have not mastered yet), I probably wouldn't have issues in that department. I KNOW in my current romantic relationship it's unhealthy how I put them on a pedestal while feeling worthless and undeserving and then a little comment that isn't even a direct insult will send me spiraling and in a rage. The fact I think they're having sex with other people, and that I am, also is probably a warning sign. Logic side. Ignored. Emotion side=fear of abandonment and feeling euphoric when they show affection. Only side considered in all decisions with this relationship. I could actually work on seeing the rational side of things and putting it together with emotional brain. Do I though? No

When I get calls from my treatment team, I choose not to answer, and when they leave a message saying to call back, I choose not to.

When it comes to self-harm of both the non-suicidal and suicidal nature, I choose not to reach out before or try to use coping skills/distract myself.

Because I am a shytty person. I hurt others, cause unnecessary concern, and hurt myself. I have these urges and just give in without fighting them. Sometimes other people call me strong, but I feel like if I were strong, I'd put up a fight and win the impulses before they become needs.