It has always been my practice to give exact dates of arrival and departure. I've always discussed with family before buying tickets, so that we coordinate, and to make sure I'm not intruding on any plans of theirs. That's simple courtesy in my book. I totally agree with divine that it's rude to arrive at someone's home and not be able to answer the question, "When ya leavin?"

Social norms become norms for very good reasons. Divine lists a few, which all make sense. However, my trips to visit family have repeatedly put me in the midst of abnormal behavior. I've come to the conclusion that I gain nothing by making myself totally predictable. To get a good price on a return ticket, it's best to be able to take off on short notice. Each of my sisters lives about 30 minutes from an airport. I can leave from either one. I'm not sure whose home I'm going to be at when.

One of my sisters is a free spirit who dislikes committing to "plans." She likes to just wake up everyday and spontaneously see what she feels like doing. Her home is tends to be a venue for drama. I could arrive there, saying, "I'm here for a week." Two days later, I might want to get the heck out of there. Or we might be having a grand time. I've had it go both ways. This sister is a widow and has strongly encouraged me to come live with her. My other sister is a planner. The two of them are not real likely to do a lot of "joint planning." One likes to always keep her options open. So I'm keeping my options flexible.

If worse comes to worse, I'll just announce that I want to do some sight-seeing. Then I'll rent a car and take off on my own to wherever. My sisters discourage me from renting a car because I used to not be a good driver. They say I won't be able to cope with the heavy traffic there. Well, I've not had an accident in over 22 years. I've driven all over their part of the country in the past. I shouldn't need a car. But, if push comes to shove, I'm not one to let myself be trapped anywhere. They know that about me.

I didn't plan for my brother to die. I've worked hard making all arrangements and coordinating with both of them. I've already spent a lot of money, and I'm not well off. My brother left nothing behind. One of my sisters will probably offer to chip in on what I've spent on the mortuary services. The other one probably won't. I won't fret over that. At least she can pick me up at the airport and be hospitable, which I believe she wants to be.

I'm not one to spend two seconds longer hanging around anyone who seems like they're not overjoyed to have me there. If push comes to shove, I can get a car and I can get a hotel room. Plus I have a cousin in that area who has been strongly urging me to come stay with her anytime. She happens to live next to one of the airports. She doesn't know I'm coming out because my sisters don't really want to include extended family in what were doing for my brother. His demise was a very sad story (due to a drug overdose) and all the relatives who would care about him are dead themselves. But I've gotten pretty close with this cousin. If I contacted her out of the blue, I believe she'ld like us to get together.

Even if I was to buy a return ticket tomorrow - which I might well do - I don't think I'ld tell anyone. Not until I see how things are when I get there.

I used to believe in being totally transparent with family about any plans I was making . . . and give loads of advance notice . . . and see what their preferences would be. And I've done all that this time, except for booking that return ticket. Experience with family has made me wary. I've gotten sucker punched a few times. Someone may make a passive-aggressive move to throw a little monkey wrench into what seemed like a good plan. It's happened before. So I figure I'll keep my options open and see how things go. These people, themselves, don't always know from one day to the next what the heck they want to do. In the past, plans were made with me and, then, unceremoniously changed or canceled for no good reason.

Is this how a normal family does things? Probably not. We're not "The Waltons." I used to fantasize about being in a family like that. We don't get to select our relatives. A friend of my brother's told me that my brother-in-law practically hung up on the cop who called to report my brother's death. I don't think he wanted my sister to even know about it. My sister's family decided long ago that she should have nothing to do with my brother. (And not spend any money on his behalf.) So already I sense an undercurrent of some sour feelings. It sounds like my brother-in-law is not going to the cemetery. (I don't care what he does. This is an occasion where people should want to be gracious, but I wouldn't count on it.)

I'll be glad when this is over, and I get back home.