My sister (the one who plans) texted me with photos of my brother in his younger days. We're deciding on a picture to put by the urn during the committal ceremony. In some of the pictures, he looks strong and happy, holding his beloved dog and smiling. He looks handsome.

At first, I felt glad to see him looking healthy and happy . . . glad to be reminded that his life was not always alcohol, drugs, disease and misery. Now I can't stop sobbing. I want my brother back how he used to be . . . before some demon invaded him. I grieve alone. No phone calls from sisters. Texts. Just texts . . . from one sister. From the other - nothing. She texted back many days ago, "Let me know if I can help." Well, she'll get her chance.

My sisters don't like displays of raw emotion, so I won't bother them. I want to call my cousin because she's emotional like me and would understand the pain I'm in. But, then, she would want to be included in the final arrangements and want to come to the cemetery. That would upset the applecart for what my sister has planned that is just for immediate family. There's no one else I can call. So I'm just alone with memory and grief. I loved him very much. My brother died believing no one loved him. I went to the hospital. He wouldn't let me help him.

A close cousin of mine died before Christmas. We were very close, growing up near each other. He cared about my brother. He too had a drug addicted brother who died tragically. This was a cousin I could go to. His wife gave me a key to their house. She was like a sister to me. If they were still alive, I would be on the phone with them now. I've had a lot of loss in recent years.

I was doing pretty good. But not today. I'm a wreck now. I've thought of going to an Al-Anon meeting tonight, thinking they would understand. It's at an AA club that my brother may even have attended. He used to go to AA a lot, even when he couldn't stay sober. I might find someone who knew him. I wish I had somewhere to go.