Our family tradition is to not show emotion and not be too nice to anyone who does. It only encourages more emotion. That doesn't reflect my own values. I am very emotional. But I've learned to mostly keep it to myself.

I desperately wanted to call someone a few hours ago. I decided that getting rebuffed would just make me feel a lot worse, so not worth the risk.

Yesterday, I went to my appointment with the psychologist. I see him about once a month. Since November, worsening depression has been a problem. Finally, in February, I told my primary care doctor that I wanted a referral for some help. I hadn't asked for help in a few years. They don't seem to take me seriously when I do.

I've been improving, though it feels like slogging my way up a steep hill with a load of rocks on my back. The psychologist said he thinks I'm making progress. Yesterday and today, I slid backwards. I could have stayed okay with some caring support from someone in my family. I wouldn't dare ask for that. They just don't know what that means. Discussing feelings is Verboten. Not that I want to bend anyone's ear for long, boring them with the travails of my recent life. My existence is of no great importance, nor of much interest. I have no delusions to the contrary. It is what I've made it, for better or worse. At least I can come here to MSF to express things and get some response.

So much tiredness goes with feeling this low. All I'm wanting is the bed.