I've been extra impulsive for quite a while, but I figure that's just environmental/social stress + BPD. I was sleeping okay although a bit erratically. A lot of emotional outbursts and just generally feeling like the rollercoaster got a bit more intense, but I mean I haven't really felt okay since, I don't know, after rehab and PHP last summer?

I am seeing more of my traditional mania warning signs though. Pacing about talking to myself, starting to listen to a song and then thinking "I know of a better song!" and switching sometimes still during the intro, getting straight into an intense exercise routine, some grandiose thinking combined with irritability and feeling victimized ("the world sucks and everyone's done me wrong, I'm the only decent person on this planet, if so-and-so didn't do this, I would be president or an olympian or whatever greatness I desire If other so-and-so wasn't such a douche to me, I'd be the epitome of competency." and so on and so on). Euphoric feelings are lasting longer (still a feeling's coaster, but like the "badnes" doesn't feel like a legitimate depression, just "I don't like this sensation and I want to get rid of it now so I will" (insert unhealthy behavior with immediate gratification)). I'm not 100% sure on this but I might be having some delusional thinking, like convincing myself my (ex?) partner is making a bunch of porn, but then twisting that into being a good thing like "they have sex with plenty of other people, but they choose me to spend their quality time with," progressing to "they're trying to make me feel special so they can get me to do whatever they want me to for them. They *just* have sex with others for money, with me they want to trap me and gain a sense of power by ripping me apart saying they're fixing me even though I'm already as broken as it gets by society's standards and there is no fixing me to the point this corrupt world wants me." And then there's a lot of thoughts about being amortal. I haven't even thought of sui the past few days which is a tad concerning as weird as that sounds, but killing myself feels as possible as swimming out a black hole.

When I look in the mirror too it could go either way to an extreme instead of immediate disgust which is out of the norm.

I don't know, maybe I'm just getting better.

Will discuss with T this week. Do not have a pdoc/am not on meds so not sure what can be done.