I had/have a belief about my partner that may or may not be a paranoid belief. I don't want to straight up call it a delusion though, but I bet others might not believe me, call it that, and say I'm crazy. Anyway, did not talk to them for about two weeks or so. They were seriously wrecking my mental health, not just from what I thought about them, but also, if we want to get into attachment theory, I've got that fearful-avoidant style which, personally, I do not recommend, especially when it's combined with BPD (kinda similar, but not completely correlated). I could go on about how that affected things, but I don't feel like writing a book here. I did respond to a text they sent this morning, and we're working on making plans this week. I want to follow through just to not feel like I push EVERYBODY away ALL the time, but it's becoming so hard to talk to them and make myself want to see them. It's not like I'm actively in the devaluation part, I just feel detached.

Also, I was supposed to go on a mini road trip with a close friend recently, but last minute she bailed. I still went, but I brewed in feeling rejected, and of course didn't talk to her for days until she called me asking if I was okay, if I hated her, she misses me, etc. I talked to her today, too, and I'm going to make a half-assed attempt at getting to her place tomorrow so she doesn't totally feel the disappointment I felt.

It just feels like I want to be alone until I don't and meet someone that I pretty quickly don't want to associate with. Can anyone say commitment issues? haha

But seriously, I do not talk to anyone I've talked to that I've known December last year and before (other than getting random drunk messages from a girl I met in rehab in summer, but that was like an hour and then we didn't talk again).

I feel like I'm hurting people but I just do not how to get myself to sustain contact with someone long term.