I'm angry. I should not be able to out drink Chica's boyfriend and feel absolutely nothing other than wanting to keep going. I swore I'd moderate today. I also swore once I finished off what I had left I wouldn't get more. Promise broken. Why is it soooo hard????

I noticed I was extra chatty and had racing thoughts this morning. A bit better in that aspect now.

I do feel incredibly fked up. Diagnoses aren't really a summary of a person's fked up-ness, but with my bipolar, BPD, PTSD, bulimia, polysubstance use disorder dx's (I mean, going on a combo of what's been definitely right in the past and currently), I certainly do feel quite fked up. You know a crap ton of bulimics are also alcoholics? Bulimia brains are practically the same as addict brains, not so much with anorexia.

But this increase in manic symptoms? Screewwwwww that. If it gets to the point of hospitalization or jail, I'm gonna be pissed and flip out at my CMHC for not getting me a pdoc to get me on meds sooner.

edit: I'm at that point of drinking I don't want to associate with anyone. I made a kinda concerning but not straight up "holy fk, is she ok?" post on fb and left it up for a couple hours, and then took it down because my messages and phone started blowing up with texts varying between "you ok?" to "let's toke and chillllllll. you could use it" I really shouldn't have social media, but I made a fb account just for band stuff last year but kept it because I'm too curious about what people I've known throughout the years want other people to see about their lives. Plus a past dealer invited me to a group with incredibly inappropriate but hilarious posts

I know. I'm kind of a POS attention *****. But like, hate the good attention???

But yeah, I guess people feel obligated to check in on me or attempt to help me in their own way because they think something bad's going to happen and they don't want to feel guilty.